Joie de Vivre

This page is dedicated to a series of anecdotes, stories, witticisms and recollections that are desigend to bring a smile or a chuckle to your day, evening or night. We will build up contributions and eventually sort all entries into classifications .........we will present a prize to the best contribution of the month and give the contributor the opportunity of having their photograph published on site for the duration of their reign of " Maker of Smiles"

1) My Uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone:

" WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT!!"

Contribution: Stewart McNair

2) When I was a boy, the Dead Sea was only sick....................( George Burns )

3) To err is human, but to really foul things up, you need a computer....................( Paul Ehrlich )

4) Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them so much............... (.Oscar Wilde )

5) I'v had a wonderful evening - but this wasn't it................. ( Groucho Marx )

6) Picture it: rural area, Sunday morning, church is packed and the devil decides to pay a visit. The doors burst open, and a rolling black cloud rolls in with the devil in its midst. People jump out of the pews and run outdoors, screaming - all except for two. One is the Vicar, the other is an elderly farmer. Satan is a bit perplexed. He points to the Vicar and says, "You! I can understand why you didn't run away, you are in your Lord's house, you preach against me everyday and you aren't afraid of me. But YOU (points to the farmer), why didn't you run out scared like everyone else?" The farmer crosses one leg over the other and drawls, "Why, I'm surprised you don't recognize me...I've been married to your sister for 36 years!"

7) Adam was walking around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that he was going to make Adam a companion. And that it would be a woman. He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and passion whenever you want it." Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?" God replied, "A woman that special will cost an arm and a leg." Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

The rest is history.

8) A country preacher decided to skip services one Sunday and head to the hills to do some bear hunting. As he rounded the corner on a perilous twist in the trail, he and a bear collided, sending him and his rifle tumbling down the mountainside. Before he knew it, his rifle went one way and he went the other, landing on a rock and breaking both legs. That was the good news. The bad news was the ferocious bear was charging at him from a distance, and he couldn't move. "Oh, Lord," the preacher prayed, "I'm so sorry for skipping services today to come out here and hunt. Please forgive me and grant me just one wish: Please make a Christian out of that bear that's coming at me. Please, Lord!" That very instant the bear skidded to a halt, fell to its knees, clasped it paws together and began to pray aloud right at the preacher's feet: "Dear God, bless this food I am about to receive..."

9) Reverend Norton woke up one Sunday morning and, realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny day, decided he just had to play golf. So ... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to do the sermon for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Rev. Norton headed out of town for a golf course about forty miles away. This way, he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone from his congregation . Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was at church! At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?" The Lord sighed and said, "No, I guess not." Just then Rev. Norton hit the ball and it shot straight toward the pin, dropping just short of it, rolling up and falling in the hole. IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE-IN-ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"

The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"

10) One day, God speaks to Noah. God: "Noah I want you to build another Ark." Noah: "What, like the last one?" God: "Yes, Except this time, I want it to have 14 decks." Noah: "And shall I lead all the animals into it, two by two, like last time?" God: "No, this time I only want you to lead fish into it". Noah: "Just fish?" God: "Yes, In fact, just carp." Noah: "Just carp? Why carp?"

God: "Well, I've always wanted a multi-story carp Ark"

11) A woman invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the little girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mummy say, " the mother said. The little girl bowed her head and said, "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

12) A father was listening to his child say his prayer... "Dear Harold." At this, dad interrupted and said, "Wait a minute, how come you called God, Harold?" The little boy looked up and said, "That's what they call Him in church. You know the prayer we say, "Our Father, who art in Heaven, Harold be Thy name."

13) A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if You can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a really good time like I am!"

14) A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"

15) After the church service a little boy told the Vicar, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money." "Well, thank you," the Vicar replied, "but why?" "Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."

16) At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Josh, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying as though he were ill, and said, "Josh, what is the matter?" Josh responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

........we have begun and continue...............

All contributions to Stewart McNair